Stupid Headlines

Bio 102

2009-11-15T20:41:00.001-05:00

Study: Mutant genes linked to Parkinson's in some

This... I...

"In some?" There are people out there suffering from a genetic illness that isn't caused by genes? That's really big. That's huge. I can't even make a joke it's so fucking stupid.

If druggies ruled the world?

2009-11-15T20:39:00.000-05:00

Study: Sharing prescriptions can bring harm, not healing

I wonder who conducted this study. "Fuck, guys. It turns out abusing prescriptions drugs is actually, like, bad for us. Oh, well."

In case you're sleeping too well...

2009-11-15T20:38:00.002-05:00

Oh, Yahoo news.

I dunno, maybe my brain is just weird, but I read this and thought... "Why would you want to remedy a good night's sleep?"

Grammar 101

2009-11-15T20:38:00.001-05:00

Oh, is THAT why there's this big hubbub about them?

2009-11-15T20:37:00.001-05:00

Steroids harmful, study confirms

....-_______-;

Bio 101

2009-11-15T20:36:00.001-05:00

Main headline, 2/28/08, on Yahoo:

Hungry after a workout?

If you find yourself eating more after an intensive exercise routine, you're not alone. » Reasons for the splurge

Because as we all know,there is no logical reason that after exhausting our body it would want to refuel. None.

...really...

2009-11-15T20:34:00.000-05:00

Study: Single cigarette can cause addiction in some people

There's nothing addictive in them or anything, so this is actually really surprising. My issue with it? Syntax. Obviously.

Things that no one would ever have thought.

2009-11-15T20:33:00.000-05:00

Mutual resentment in marriage can be deadly for couples

That's just wrong. I mean, why would couples that hate each other ever be more likely to break up? It's completely counter-intuitive.

Deadly diseases don't, though.

2009-11-15T20:32:00.000-05:00

Study: Negativity, annoyance in marriage gets worse over time

...no kidding?

After many years of programs, the tantrums stop... so obviously the programs work.

2009-11-15T20:19:00.001-05:00

Parenting lessons do not stop toddler tantrums, study finds

This just in: despite our best efforts, children continue to be children.

No. I like it when my insides are chewed up.

2009-11-15T20:17:00.004-05:00

Food poisoning can cause long-term problems, scientists say

I wonder if 'death' qualifies as a long-term problem or not. Hm. Someone should research that.

Sugar Pills

2009-11-15T20:15:00.002-05:00

Raising the price of wine makes it taste better, research finds

No, you dumbasses, it makes people trick themselves into thinking it will taste better. It's the placebo effect.

Passing

2008-03-04T13:38:00.000-05:00

Capitals All-Star Ovechkin scores 4 goals, pasisng the 50-mark, against Boston

This needs no commentary.

2008-03-01T23:50:00.001-05:00

The real question: Where did the chicken come from?

10.20.2008

2008-03-01T18:49:00.003-05:00

Adolescents need support during family breakups, report finds

You know, just in case anyone doubted we live in a society where parents are just as immature as there children.

No kidding, headline. No kidding.

Fans happy when team wins, sad when they lose

2008-03-01T18:47:00.002-05:00

Penguins thrilled to land Hossa, then sorry to lose him to knee injury in debut

Wow. What insightful and hard-hitting journalism. No kidding. Jeebus. This is a headline.

5.11.2007

2008-02-26T15:45:00.001-05:00

One of my all-time favorites, from early last year:

Royals To Get A Taste Of Angels' Colon

The lovely state of our media

2008-02-26T15:28:00.004-05:00

can be summed up with the following:

Obama's leading man

Barack Obama says he would want Will Smith to play him in a movie.

This is a main headline on Yahoo!. This. Because there is nothing more important in electing a president than which actor would play them in a theoretical biopic. Ohmigod we are all doomed.

1.7.2008

2008-02-25T21:25:00.003-05:00

A lovely Yahoo! News study from early January:

Study: Anxiety may be bad for your heart

It may be bad for your heart. I suppose the implication here is that there are situations in which extreme stress on your heart is a good thing.

There's probably a lot of jokes to be made, but when I first noted the headline I didn't come up with one and don't have one now.